I speak Italian like a five-year-old.
That is a statement that is generous to me and insulting to 5-year-old Italians. But it is somewhat accurate.
I get by in conversations. I understand enough of the language to complete whole conversations. For many of them, I do so without switching to English or translating in my head, except for a few words. These few words give away my lack of progress. I do not have an extensive vocabulary.
Another problem I run into is verb tenses, much like a child who uses the wrong verb tense in their speech. Italian has 21 verb tenses; it makes sense that I do not know them all. I know most of them but don’t use them because I do not practice them often.
For three years now, plus the two years I studied Italian at UCSB, I convinced myself I would reach a near-native level of fluency. I set aside time in my life for intensive language practice to up my Italian game, but I return to my reading, writing, and conversations in English. All the progress I made slips into the dark corners of my mind to be dusted off the next time I feel the pressure to improve.
My Recent Goal to be Fluent in Italian
I finished my exams 11 days ago—almost two weeks. It feels like a lifetime. That is not nearly enough time to go from where I am to a near-native speaker. Even though during COVID-times, time moves differently, and three weeks now feels like a year.
I had set the goal or, at least, pretended to set the expectation that I would use the few weeks between the end of my exam and the start of my next semester applying for jobs and working towards fluency in Italian.
I have been applying for jobs, aggressively, like I do almost everything else.
But I have not approached Italian aggressively. In all honesty, I never have. I never dove into Italian the way I do with all my other projects. It has challenged the way I think of myself as someone who loves languages.
Lover of Languages or Lazy?
Do I love languages? I used to describe myself this way: love or languages. I only speak one fluently, and I have never committed to any of the others.
Do I love languages? Or do I love what I can do with language? If the latter is true, then I only need to be good at one, which I am. Considering I have not put consistent, significant effort into getting any good with another, it is looking more and more likely.
What if instead, I don’t put effort into Italian because it is hard. Not because the language itself is. Despite what people say, I find it easy enough when you know the rules. I am great at recognizing patterns—languages have a lot of them. Rules to follow. Italian doesn’t have many exceptions like English.
Learning Italian is Difficult
Learning Italian is difficult because learning a second language is difficult. I am not sure if it gets easier as you get to the third, fourth, and fifth. I can say getting a basic understanding of third and fourth languages is much easier after you have some familiarity with a second. Many people say picking up a new language is easier when you already speak two well. Learning that second one is hard—whatever it is. It takes a lot of work to figure out your learning style and to find ways to practice.
It ties back into what your goals are. I use language to communicate—conversations with friends or with Jesse or to write for work, on here, or for academic projects. I don’t need another language for these. I don’t need one for any of the places I live—which is currently between Brussels, Belgium, and Arona, Italy. In Brussels, enough people speak English for me to get by, even though I have had some basic conversations in French here and there, and in Italy, I don’t see people often enough to need to speak Italian. And by this point, the few I see people think I am a quiet, timid person—which is half right but off-topic.
I would love to say I am one of those people who looks at something challenging and says, this is something I must figure out. I’m not. I am lazy. I am used to being good at things. I learn things quickly, math, science, new jobs, new skills, rock climbing, chess. Again, I am great with patterns. I learn by doing. All of these are things you learn by doing, or at least I did. I know you learn languages by practicing, but to practice, you need to learn the words, the rules of the game. I love words but not rules. I don’t spend the time learning them. Then without the rules, why bother learning the vocabulary to fit within them?
Learning Difficult Things
The only two things I can think of that I did not pick up quickly are to write well and to appear comfortable in large groups or speak up in class. These are daily things I have worked on since before the start of my teen years.
I need to write. It keeps me sane(ish). Even if I have not shared my writing. It is how I process life. Being able to speak around others makes life easier. It also became a need. As much as I would have preferred to go about life entirely on my own, that was not realistic.
So this comes back to why don’t I apply this much effort to practice Italian?
There is no urgency.
Sure, we live in Italy. Jesse’s family is Italian. And the people we spend time with here have varying degrees of English fluency. It is easier and more reasonable for me to learn Italian than to expect someday that they will all speak with me in English.
Again, I need to look at my reasons I want to be fluent in Italian:
- I want to have conversations with family and friends in Italy without mediation through someone else who is bilingual.
- I want to read books written in Italian in Italian without having to look up every couple of words on Google translate.
- When we are in Italy, I want to get around on my own without needing help.
- Italian is a beautiful, expressive language.
- Learning Italian, at this point, has also become a point of pride.
My first reason is the most practical and also the strongest. The reason this is not enough, even with the support from the others. We do not live in Italy full time, nor do we plan to. We will likely return to Belgium in the next few weeks or months, meaning French or even Dutch would be a more practical choice. We also don’t visit Italy often enough—twice a year—to require Italian. This means everything else that feels urgent in my life gets my attention, like finding a job, writing when I am inspired, reading, seeing friends when things like that are allowed, or any other random thing that catches my attention.
I don’t feel the pressure to do it. It isn’t this siren calling to me the way writing is. It is also not an immediate practical need, the way public speaking is. The challenge of learning a new language is something I tell myself I can work on later.
Writing is my calling. It is a need. Reading a book in Italian then putting it down to have dinner and conversations with Jesse in English isn’t. If we saw more people while here, it would be a different story. But for now, it is still something I tell myself I will get to later, and then I open word to write.