My Life is an Adventure because I Made it One

Life is a story I can act out and create. It gives me a chance to be anything I want to be, but I can also change my mind, hit undo, or at least re-do. In my early twenties, I realized I hadn’t been living my life. I spent it indoors telling the stories of other people’s fictional lives.

When I realized this, I asked myself, what genre did I want my life story to fall under?

Then I set out on an adventure.

Being told I am Brave

On several occasions, people have told me I am brave.

• Brave for moving out as early as I did.
• Brave for moving to Northern California.
• Brave for leaving California for Boston.
• Brave for reporting the man who assaulted me.
• Brave for moving to Europe.
• Brave for quitting my job to return to school.
• Brave for writing.

It always puzzles me. I have never thought of myself as brave. For me, these choices were easy; they didn’t require a lot of thought. There were obvious. I seem dramatic here, but I was more afraid I would not survive if I did not take each of these steps.

Making the decisions was the easy part. What came after was the challenge:

• Living in a country where I don’t speak the language because we moved impulsively,
• Finding jobs in all my new cities,
• Learning to make friends who didn’t already know some things about me,
• Leaving behind friends I was not ready to let go of yet.

If I have learned anything in my near-thirty years (and if this past year was not an awesome reminder), life does not go according to plan.

At various points in my life, I thought:

1. I would live in the middle of the US to be in the middle of the two sides of my family (fail)
2. I would be a published author (fail)
3. I would live in Europe (Managed one of these)
4. I would never get married (fail)
5. I would go to law school (fail)
6. I would get a PhD (fingers crossed)
7. I would become a (medical) doctor (probably not)
8. I would have a savings account (still optimistic on that one)
9. I would feel like I know what I am doing (given up hope)

Small Acts of Bravery

The closest thing to bravery I have ever done was learn to let go of the different versions of myself I had been or thought I would be. I feel like a lot of us get stuck on who we think we ought to be. We don’t think about whose expectations those are.

Who should I be? I have no idea. I don’t think about it much. I know who I want to be to Jesse, my close friends, and family members, Igneous, the cat, but those are patterns of behavior more than significant things about who I am.

I get to shape that.

Creating Myself and My Own Path

I view myself as a large piece of clay that can be chipped away at and then reattach pieces wherever I see fit. But I get to decide this. I get to shape myself. Sometimes, external factors beyond my control come into play.

But that is life.

There are some factors beyond our control, but we do get to control how we respond to them.

Seeking Adventure and Novelty

I am a novelty whore. I always need something new to occupy my attention.

I collect cities and apartments because I like change. In the five years I lived in Santa Barbara, I lived in seven apartments. Since moving out of my childhood home 12 years ago, I have lived in eight cities (three countries and two continents). I like change.

One of my favorite parts of living in Europe, when we can move around, is the ability to travel so easily. Having more vacation days, zero guilt about using them, and being so close to so many other countries gives me a chance to explore new cities often without feeling the need to move to all of them. Even though I have suggested we move to almost all the cities we have visited at some point.

Starting with Small Change

You don’t have to start by moving across the country. You could start by picking up a hobby you never saw yourself doing. Several years ago—almost a decade—I gave archery a try and loved it. I eventually had to get rid of my bow, but I would love to try it again. Doing something new or doing that thing you told yourself you could never do because you were too afraid or self-conscious doesn’t have to be hard.

I collect hobbies and interests–the more complex the better.

I paint.

I draw.

I read.

I play chess.

I rockclimb.

I run.

I exercise.

I write.

And these are just the most consistent.

Deciding to start can be liberating. It is why I started this project even though I have no idea what I am doing. I needed to start by doing something I told myself I could never do:

• let myself write without knowing exactly where it was going,
• let people see the real me and not just the superficial bubbly loud person they see in person,
• stop worrying that people out there actively hate me and want to see me fail. (I am not that important to anyone)

Diving into Change

Before any major life decision, I ask myself two questions:

1. What is the worst thing that could happen?
2. How difficult would it be to undo this if it went wrong?

If the answers are manageable, I jump—usually head-first and all-in because that is just how I operate. I learn through trial and error and going all in and risking it all (or at least a lot) I get more of a hang of what I am doing. I am also not afraid to give up on something that is not working for me and try something else.

Life Stories are not Fiction

Something I realized is different about my life and book writing is when writing, I go where the story takes me. I let the actions of different characters dictate what comes next, and I need to make sure what comes next makes some kind of sense. Everything I put into a book has to serve some greater purpose within the text.

None of this is true for how I live my life. I get to decide where and how my life goes. It is my story, and I can turn it into whatever I want it to be. My decisions do not have to follow a clear, logical line to anyone but me, and each decision I make does not have to contribute to my overall narrative about my life. I can do random things and change my mind whenever I want, without fear. This is liberating.

The most significant difference is that someday, I may need the book to appeal to an audience if I want to publish. My life choices, on the other hand, are for me. They don’t need to appeal to anyone else.

I struggle with this with my writing, namely sharing it. I let my concern about not being ready for an audience to influence my writing prevent me from doing it. I let these concerns limit my life choices.

So today, now that I admit this, I have to dive in, head-first and all-in and stop being afraid of what you will do with this.