Writing makes me anxious. A bit of a problem for someone who wanted to make a career out of writing. It comes out in every form of writing: academic writing, blog writing, journal writing, even email writing.
I often read through emails multiple times, trying to make sure I don’t sound stupid or forget anything. I try to make sure what I write is clear—even though it often is not, which is another problem. I think through how I address people. I try to go with first names all the time, which I learned working in customer service. But with professors, I try to stay formal.
What do I do when they sign an email with their first name?
Crisis.
Things get so bad that sometimes I have to schedule emails to send. I pace around the house anxiously telling me that my world will end because of one email. I have to distract myself. Sometimes, I vow to not open my email for several days.
This is a problem.
Perfectionism and control
This may not be 100% perfectionism, but it is about what I can control and cannot control.
I can control what I put in the email. I can control how I address and sign the email. I cannot control how the other person responds.
I overthink the most basic and common form of communication and writing.
How do I ever hope to write anything worth reading that could be read if I cannot even send an email?
How this affected my writing
When I was supposed to write for fun, I would give up before I even started because the blank page staring back at me was too intimidating. When I would write, I would edit as I went, often getting caught on the same sentence or transition, rewriting it over and over before eventually wanting to smash my computer against a wall.
I wanted to create the perfect first draft.
Again, bringing back my intro-to-psych expert opinion: this comes from the same pathological anxiety about writing emails. I want my first draft and all subsequent drafts of my writing to be perfect because that is within my control. I cannot control how you respond to my writing when I put it out into the world.
That is what scares me.
I want to create something so perfect it is beyond criticism.
This is not possible.
And more than that, I will never get better if I let that fear prevent me from writing, practicing.
What I am doing to fix this
I decided to share my most vulnerable thoughts on the internet for anyone to see and criticize. You don’t need to do that. You probably shouldn’t do that.
- Writing often, in multiple forms: I journal first thing in the morning for 20 minutes. It helps me get into the habit of writing without thinking since I know no one will ever read through this. It helps me get anything running around in my head, thoughts, questions, To-Do list items out of my head and onto paper so I can think of more important things.
- Writing without editing: This was by far the most difficult for me. I used to tell myself I love editing more than writing. After editing professionally for over a year and having an amazing friend who edits all my writing, I have learned I do not love editing. At least not the way she does. I spend so much time editing because of my fear and desire for control. By telling myself I had to get through a draft of a section before I could edit has been critical.
- Writing for myself: I will never be able to control how you react to what I write. If I could, what would the point be? If we all agreed with my opinions, I would have nothing to write about. If everything I cover on this journey is self-evident, you would not be reading this. I would have nothing to offer. Also, if I wrote to please everyone, I would not write much of anything. Instead, I am writing to become comfortable writing. I write the kind of content I needed years ago that let would let me know it was okay to not have it all figured out before starting.
Concluding thoughts
Getting over my anxiety and my perfectionism around writing will be a process. I am not sure I will ever be fully over these. The most I can hope for by the end of this year, or through this process at least, is to consistently write even as these things persist. If I face criticism, I face criticism. If I get things wrong, I hope to grow from that. I do not have everything figured out. I do not pretend to. And I do not want you to feel like you need to either.