We are living in a global pandemic. Sometimes I need to remind myself.
I do not need to remind myself that the pandemic is happening as much as I need to remind myself to come up for air and to take care of myself.
It is a collective trauma that many of us are not equipped to handle—on a societal or individual level. We are spending record amounts of time isolated and trying our best to make it through.
This pandemic has affected me:
- I have lost family members.
- I have had family members end up in the hospital and was unable to visit them.
- I have watched as someone close to me suffered from what may have been COVID-19.
- I have spent almost an entire year in isolation (with Jesse, Igneous, and Sed).
It has all taken its toll. This year has been a challenge and life-changing in many ways for all of us.
I handle complex emotional issues:
- by focusing on what I can control,
- accepting my emotions as they come and go,
- and trying to take time when I really need it.
These behaviors have helped me through a lot of complicated situations. From the outside, you would never know they were happening. From the outside, I appear unphased.
I aggressively dive into work mode under stress. I like to focus on things I can control when the uncontrollable is going on around me. COVID-19 is no exception. This may be my best exam period of my master’s degree, despite being hit by the most significant challenges I have personally faced under the pandemic.
I just got through a 5,000-word paper, marathon studying for an exam, and 24 hours of driving to and from Belgium for that exam in less than a week. I am submitting a final PhD application, another final, and studying for another exam now. I am also planning my next goals.
The pandemic has me feeling more out of control than anything I have ever encountered in my life. I am sure many of you can say the same. In response, I am the most productive I have in my whole life. I need something to hold on to and feel like I can impact.
This is my way of coping, but it does not have to be yours. I would argue that parts of how I go about this are unhealthy. But right now, we do not need to be perfect. I am not aiming to be perfect. I am aiming to make it through.
Sometimes surviving is all you can aim for. Sometimes surviving means diving into everything you can get your hands on to keep your mind off of things you would otherwise obsess over. Sometimes, surviving means reminding yourself to eat—or having Jesse remind you it’s time to eat and take a break from research. Sometimes, surviving is just pushing yourself to get out of bed. I have days like that. I am sure tomorrow will be a day like that because I have not given myself a break in these past few weeks.
I observe from the comfort of an isolated home in Italy and watch my country fall apart. I watch it fail to come together to help each other during these times.
I watch as the cases crush my home state. I feel helpless. I read about the lack of capacity to treat everyone who needs medical attention. I am helpless. What can I do from here?
So I continue to work. And today, I can feel it. The responsibility, the intensity, the exhaustion, the helplessness. I may take a break Saturday, but I will take it easy tomorrow because that is what I need to do to take care of myself.
From my own standards of what I expect from myself, it is not nearly enough. But I have to quiet that voice sometimes and take care of myself. Otherwise, there will be nothing left of me to fight for the causes I can impact. There will be nothing left of me to speak when I find the words. It is okay to not know what to do or to not have the energy to do something right away.