I have always lived my life in constant chaos.
In the past year, I have moved to two new countries, visited six others, started two new jobs, learned one new language, got married, gained an entire new family and new group of friends, and now, of course, it is time to start the blog I have been writing in my head for the past six years.
This is a significant amount of change, even for me. And even though the majority of the changes in the past year have been positive, there were many days where I experienced a significant amount of stress and at times, even wanted to give it all up and move my partner and dog back to the US where I knew how things worked. But at the end of the day, or year, I am glad I made the choices I did, and regardless of the stress, I would make the same choices all over again.
Fear of the unknown is one of the most pervasive fears we experience. It is the reason we stay in the jobs we hate, hang around the people we have grown apart from, stick with hobbies that no longer challenge us, and the reason we do not go out and take that Improv class we always wanted to do or write that book we have been talking ourselves out of for more time than we ever spent writing. Not trying is more comfortable than not knowing what the outcome would be, even if the outcome would be amazing. So many of us live according to Bukowski’s, “Don’t try.”
As you may imagine, I am no stranger to change. This past year, although full of a significant number of large-scale changes, follows a pattern of consistent, frequent changes in my life.
Growing up in California
From a young age, I learned nothing in life is constant. From my parents’ divorce and the subsequent move with my mother and brother from Massachusetts back to California at the age of six, I experienced significant, life-changing uncertainty early on. My ability to adapt to this change in my life demonstrated a resilience I was too young to comprehend. To some extent, this dramatic change planted a seed in my young brain. Every change, every challenge I encountered from that point onwards was an opportunity to learn more about myself and the world around me.
Don’t get me wrong, not all change is good change. I have had plenty of heartbreaking, challenging experiences with change like everyone else. Not all opportunities lead us to Europe with zero plan and a grand adventure. Some changes may be disguised in nice packaging, like a new job opportunity at a company we are not inspired by or enrolling in an academic program we are not genuinely interested in. These opportunities, though practical life choices, that fit within the general formula of life:
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go to school,
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graduate high school,
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go to university/learn a skill,
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find a job,
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buy a car,
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get married,
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buy a house,
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have 2.5 kids,
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midlife crisis,
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grandchildren,
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inevitable death—ideally at home, in your sleep, surrounded by loved ones,
may not help us live a life that inspires us or aligns with our goals or interests.
Major Life Changes
I was convinced most of my childhood, I would never go to college. I didn’t see the point, it did not align with the kind of life I imagined for myself—the starving artist life you see in movies and tv shows where I would make enough money to live on waiting tables in some small town in the middle of nowhere and work on my writing and painting at all hours of the day with only a couple hours of sleep. I spent even more of my life convinced I would never get married. I never felt that I would need a governmental institution or a certificate to have a meaningful relationship with another person. Furthermore, I was convinced I would never feel certain enough to promise to spend the rest of my life with another person.
Both my attitudes on these subjects changed. I went to college after graduating high school, and I got married this past summer. I found a way to do both these things in a way that aligned with what mattered most to me.
Dreaming of Europe
I wanted to move to Europe for as long as I can remember. In school, I studied French, Spanish, Italian, and German—covering all my bases since I didn’t have a set life plan and still don’t. I read foreign literature, listened to music and watched movies in other languages. I imagined my “life” in Europe without ever having visited. I was hovering between 3,4, and 5 of those eleven steps when visiting Europe became a slight possibility with study abroad programs, volunteering, summer programs, or even just budget traveling.
Considering I was independently financing my education and living expenses, then the eventual car purchase and student loan payments that got me that education, Europe was a faint glimmer of a dream. There would be plenty of time for Europe, but I had other goals, ambitions, and responsibilities I needed to tend to before I could waste any precious time or money on such an extravagant adventure. I spent the first five post-college graduation years of my life putting my life on hold, working myself into the ground to achieve goals I felt I should aim for rather than pursuing the things that were meaningful to me.
Losing my Job
In 2017, I unexpectedly found myself without a job. I had been laid off from a job I was no longer happy with: a small paycheck, enough to pay the bills with a bit left over, in exchange for unrealistic expectations, exceptional pressure, a lack of respect, and a withering culture as the environment wore on all the employees. I came home at the end of each day too exhausted and depressed to do any of the things I enjoyed. I had just enough energy to make dinner then drink wine and binge watch TV with my roommate.
It was the first time in my adult life I found myself without a job or any immediate prospects. I had an infinite list of unknowns in front of me. I had no plan. I was at the proverbial fork in the road, but no one ever tells you the fork, like most forks, is multi-pronged and each prong looks just as appealing as the next. But the first thought in my head was I need to find another job so I can achieve all my goals, make more money, and pay for all my things.
I explored all my available life options:
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Binge watch Netflix for the rest of my life,
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Find another job in Boston,
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Find a job in another city,
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Move back to California and potentially get my old job back,
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Go back to school,
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Start my own freelance editing business.
I had a handful of freelance editing projects I sporadically worked on, but after hearing about how I was laid off, several of them started offering me more work, which allowed me to make enough money to take some time to figure out my next steps. I went to inexpensive, usually free, events around the city, looking for new clients, job leads, a foot in the door for my next big opportunity.
Searching for my Next Step
Despite the positive feedback I was receiving, I was never satisfied. No matter how many events I attended, no matter how many impressive career opportunities I found, no matter how many new clients I picked up, I was disheartened.
I eventually set aside time to check in with myself—a practice I used to employ often but lost track of in the wake of my new “high-speed” Boston life. I asked myself:
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Why I was struggling to enjoy life the way I used to?
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Why I was struggling to find meaning or value in my everyday actions?
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Why wasn’t I inspired by all the opportunities available to me?
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What would help me enjoy life more?
I realized I was falling into the same pattern: I was focused too much on how much money I could make and on how many rungs could I climb up the corporate ladder before I burnt out. As we have heard countless times, money cannot buy happiness. And it didn’t. When I was making money, I could only focus on my desire to make more—enough to feel like I could take time off from work to eventually make my first trip to Europe. I had lost sight of what mattered to me. This was about as far as I could have gotten from my romantic notions of that “starving artist” lifestyle I imagined for myself.
Self-care
I set aside a day, honestly probably more like a week, where I prioritized relaxing, identifying and alleviating some of the pressure I was putting on myself, to give myself space to define, for the first time, my values and what was important to me. The concept of having values was very foreign to me because I had always been too focused on my ambition to consider them.
After some in-depth consideration, I generated a small list of what was most important to me. Brand new values to call my own:
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My relationships
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My health (medical issues)
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Fitness
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Learning
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Creative expression
These five values, to some extent, had been with me my entire life. They appeared at every stage of my life, and most of them, I brushed aside, thinking there would always be time to get to them. When I made enough money, I could care about these things. When I got that new promotion, I could care about these things. Those days never came because there was always another goal. But I was letting my life pass me by and ignoring the things that mattered most to me. I was not living. It was time for a change.
Nov 19, 2018 11:24 pm
You’re such an inspiration and so happy for you and you’re new life with your husband and dog/child.
love your spirit and sense of adventure! Be well and stay positive, life is good 🙌🏻👏🏻🍷❤️
Nov 20, 2018 9:36 pm
Ariel you have grown into an amazing young adult. I enjoy all your posts of all your travels. Stay happy, healthy, and keep enjoying life.